When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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