New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
