Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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