someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize