Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
