I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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