White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
