How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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