that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
