if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
