you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
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