hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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