Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
