also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
