Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Floor bacon is actually really good
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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