while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
