so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
