Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
