How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize