If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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