Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
