How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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