non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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