a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
