I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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