my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Im part way to drunk.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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