no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
