in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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