He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
