Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
