Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
