So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
