Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You took a bar mat shot.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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