dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
