nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I booty called her while she was in labor.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
