Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
