I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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