I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
