I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
there is glitter all over my balls
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