I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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