I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
