i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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