All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
