How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
