About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
