how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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