so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
that's an acceptable place to lick
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
as a side note pls kill me
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
