I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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