sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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