I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
