my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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