my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
