I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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