Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
