based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Drunk is not a location!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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