the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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