I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
