check it out our google latitudes are spooning
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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