I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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