I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
