her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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