Will you blow on my dice?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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