Ambien. No doubt about it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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