I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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