i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
